At the Pfanner household, we currently have two dogs. The oldest is Bella and the youngest is Shadow. I love them both like crazy. If you have or have had a dog at any point, you know what I'm talking about. Nothing beats being greeted every time you come in the house as if you've been gone for three days even though you may have only been gone for ten minutes. It's an unconditional love that dogs just seem natural at portraying.
With my love for my two dogs, however, comes some aggravation when they don't listen to commands. Shadow is prone to this far more often than Bella. But it's hard to be angry at him because he has such a goofy personality. He's been known to go outside to go potty only to spot a bird or rabbit and instead chase them around the backyard. Then, he comes to our back door having not done his business. Just as quickly as he runs to the door, he runs back to the yard as if to say, "Oops! I forgot what I came out here to do!"
I cannot begin to tell you how many times my relationship with Christ has mirrored the image of Shadow's attention jumping from place to place.
I have a very, very sassy side. So sassy, in fact, that close friends have genuinely became angry with me. I also have a tendency to avoid conflict. This becomes a problem when I'm involved in a conversions that stray from holiness and into sin. Even among Catholic friends, I struggle to put the fire out when the conversation turns to gossip or sexual jokes. At times, I get wrapped up in my own pride and desire the attention and admiration of others. All of these things draw my attention away from Christ and leave me with a bitter aftertaste.
Last night was one of those nights when these things happened and I was very aware of it. Disappointed in how I handled myself, I did something I very rarely do: I wrote my prayer out to God. In it, every single sentence began with "I'm tired". I wasn't referring to a physical tiredness or even a mental tiredness, but a spiritual tiredness. I'm tired of preaching the word of God only to have my actions work in contrast far too often. I'm tired of praying for my future spouse and our relationship while neglecting to strive to be a virtuous man of God at all times. I'm tired of giving myself over to Christ only to take my life back as soon as prayer ends and then feeling as though I'm letting God down by my words and my actions which don't always reflect back on my prayer.
As I reflected on my written prayer, the number of times I wrote "I'm tired" began to jump off the page. I reflected on what this meant for my relationship with Christ. As I did, I couldn't stop thinking about Matthew 11:28-30:
"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light."
I'm tired not because I am doing too much but because I'm failing to place the source of life, God the Father, at the center of everything I do throughout the day. It is in Him and Him alone that my strength comes. It is only in Christ that we find true peace and rest. As St. Augustine said, "Thou hast made us for Thyself, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in Thee." Without this source of love, I'm bound to give into temptation and sin.
We cannot live truly Christian lives if Christ is not the source and summit of our daily routine. Every act in which we partake should be an offering to the Giver of Live. Lately, I have found myself exhausted by the ends of my days (and sometimes during my days) and so I make the conscious decision to forgo praying and rationalize that decision. I tell myself I know I'm just going to fall asleep in two minutes so I shouldn't even bother. While this may be true, those two minutes of prayer carry just as much weight as 30 minutes, provided I give Christ my undivided attention and don't intentionally cut it short.
This failure to pray at night may seem inconsequential, but it brings with it much spiritual warfare. Failure to examine our conscious each night, reflecting on what we did well and where we fell short, eliminates any reminder to do better the next day. Without this, it's so much easier to become trapped in complacency and prevents any opportunity to grow in virtue. Furthermore, it becomes difficult to uphold holiness in our lives and the lives of others when we fail to recognize our own shortcomings and resolve to improve upon them, drawing on the grace of our Father to constantly convert our hearts and lead us closer to Him.
As I close, I just want to offer up a prayer and I ask that you would join me, asking the Lord to take away any burdens you may have in order to live more fully in Him where your heart rests:
Father, we offer our lives as living sacrifices for Your name. We pray that we would resolve to live according to the commandments given to us for Your sake and the sake of the world. We ask for the strength to resist temptation and the courage to be true disciples of all nations. Lord, we know that we are sinners constantly in need of Thy mercy. For the times we fail to keep Your commands or we willingly turn our backs on You, we ask for the grace to begin anew, filled with every hope and the desire to sin no more. We thank You for Your unending and unconditional love, calling us to sainthood. Amen.
